When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to turn out to be a full-time father till he turned 5. I used to be so severe about this dedication that I sold our largest rental property to release time. This property was alleged to be our crown jewel for my spouse and my retirement plans. Nevertheless, one thing needed to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the identical promise to stay a full-time father till she turned 5. Hooray for equality! That point is quickly coming as she lastly begins full-time faculty in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I needed to replicate on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
However first, some clarification on the distinction between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Half-Time Fatherhood
Initially, fathers will all the time be fathers, it doesn’t matter what. Nevertheless, identical to with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There’s a spectrum of how we allocate our time to varied obligations.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends extra time taking good care of his kids than he does on his job or different actions, even by only one hour. For instance, if a father spends 40 hours per week taking good care of his three-year-old and 20 hours per week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he’s a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours per week between fatherhood and side hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a dad who spends extra time on his job or different actions than on taking good care of his youngsters. He may work 40 hours per week at an workplace job after which spend 2 hours along with his youngsters after work and 15 hours per week with them on the weekend, for a complete of 30 hours per week of kid time. That is an extended 70 hours per week of labor and childcare for this dad!
Each Sorts Of Fathers Can Be Nice
Primarily based on these two examples, it is clear each fathers are doing plenty of work to care for his or her kids and earn earnings. All fathers have what’s referred to as a Provider’s Clock, the place they’re conditioned to supply to various levels.
It is usually clear that being a part-time father will not be a unfavourable. Most dads work full-time to deal with their household. In the meantime, spending 20 to 30 hours per week with their kids is way more than the average dad in America spends with his children every week (~10 hours).
Clearly, should you’re a bodily and mentally ready father who would not work a lot and would not spend time along with your youngsters, that may most likely be seen negatively. Nevertheless, I do not imagine any father studying this web site would select to shirk each work and childcare obligations.
Whenever you select to be a father, you additionally select to tackle the huge duty of fatherhood. On the very least, all fathers will select to go all-in on their work at the price of spending time with their youngsters, or go all-in on childcare at the price of earning profits. The previous might engender dad guilt as the daddy tries to search out a super steadiness.
Major Objective: To Give Males Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I do know there are males on the market who’ve thought-about being full-time fathers however are nervous concerning the transition attributable to monetary worries and societal judgment. My purpose is to present males permission and confidence to be full-time fathers in the event that they wish to.
Simply take a look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that exhibits solely about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads in comparison with about 23% of ladies who’re stay-at-home moms.
I am constructive if fathers felt much less monetary stress to supply and society was extra accepting of full-time fathers, the share can be a lot nearer to the share of ladies who’re full-time moms.
Be Who You Need To Be To Really feel Complete
Occasions are altering, with extra ladies attending school than males and extra ladies incomes greater salaries than males. But, partly due to the male ego, the variety of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Males nonetheless really feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the toughest job on the earth.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see males who proclaim FIRE (Monetary Independence, Retire Early) however by no means point out their working wives who present earnings, retirement advantages, and well being advantages. There may be additionally an awesome worry of letting their wives cease working, given the monetary implications.
Pretending to be one thing you are not is a tragic solution to dwell. With the ability to converse your thoughts and be who you wish to be are a few of the strongest benefits of financial independence. This freedom to dwell one’s true self can also be the most effective causes for residing in San Francisco, the place there’s a better acceptance of individuals of all sorts.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any present or future fathers contemplating staying at residence to boost their youngsters, let me share some perspective on the way you may really feel as a full-time father throughout the first three years of your kid’s life.
I exploit the three-year mark as a result of most households have the choice of sending their kids to preschool by then, though daycare can also be a typical childcare choice.
For many daycare facilities, infants can begin as younger as six weeks. Nevertheless, extra time permits for the institution of a safe attachment along with your youngster, full therapeutic of the umbilical wire, determining feeding and sleep patterns, creating a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a brand new life collectively.
1) There isn’t a tougher job than full-time parenthood
Should you’re a brand new dad, the challenges may be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper modifications to burping, napping, and fixed dishwashing, elevating a child retains you busy. The primary yr may also be sleep-deprived as your infant wakes up each two to 4 hours.
Once I worked in banking, the hours have been lengthy and the stress was immense. Nevertheless, there have been all the time breaks the place I might unwind over espresso, a meal, or a enterprise journey. Attending conferences abroad was a lot enjoyable! Regardless of working ~60 hours per week, that also left 108 hours to sleep and do no matter.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can usually attain 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours per week throughout the preliminary years. You’ll be able to attempt to nap when your infant is sleeping, however there is no such thing as a assure you can sleep.
In the meantime, the price of wanting away for greater than three seconds might end in harm or worse to your youngster. From the paranoia of Sudden Toddler Loss of life Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a desk’s sharp edge, the stakes are a lot greater for a full-time guardian if they are not doing their job.
If I miss a cellphone name from a big consumer, no massive deal. I can all the time name my consumer again or e mail them. However there won’t be any means again should you look away from a baby.
Put together to your limits to be examined repeatedly
If you wish to be a full-time father, you will need to mentally and bodily put together for the final word problem. Learn as many books as you possibly can about parenthood. Be taught parenting methods that require persistence, understanding, and love. Get in the perfect form of your life to maintain up along with your kids’s infinite vitality.
The primary three years will push you to your limits. We’re speaking probably 6 am – 9:30 pm nearly daily. You’ll hear screaming, crying, and whining a number of instances a day for over 1,000 days in a row. In consequence, your nerves will fry. Get noise-canceling headphones that will help you survive your days!
2) You should have a tougher time becoming in and feeling welcome
Whenever you take your infant to the playground on weekdays, you’ll doubtless be the one dad amongst a majority of mothers and nannies. Primarily based on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the first caregivers are mothers, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the ladies are chatting about feeding and and different childcare matters, you’ll doubtless not be included. Therefore, you’ll have to make an effort to get to know the opposite mothers, nannies, and au pairs should you’re trying to make associates. As your child grows older, you may see them repeatedly attributable to weekly courses. Therefore, it might be good to get to know them considerably.
Should you attend any Dad’s Night time Out occasions, you may additionally really feel embarrassed initially. Whereas different dads focus on their careers and enterprise journeys, speaking about your day along with your kids may really feel awkward. Regardless of altering gender roles, there’s an ongoing machismo amongst dads that will make you are feeling uncomfortable.
You’ll be able to both lean into your full-time fatherhood position or point out different work endeavors you might be pursuing. As a father, you possibly can’t discuss taking part in pickleball all day, as some mothers proudly do. As an alternative, you will need to focus on some exercise that gives worth to society and earns cash.
Took some time to be snug proudly owning my standing as a stay-at-home dad
For me, as soon as my son began attending preschool full-time at age 4 in 2021, I instructed individuals I used to be a author since I used to be engaged on Buy This, Not That. I might have stated I used to be a full-time father, however I didn’t partly as a result of I needed to raised slot in. I additionally did not wish to make dads really feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Fortunately, after a couple of yr of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will develop. As an alternative of feeling misplaced, you may embrace your position as a major caregiver extra strongly. As you wait to your confidence to develop, be pleased with your standing as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a weak infant is a noble factor to do.
3) You will lengthy to return to work for a break from full-time fatherhood
With no direct earnings coming in to your labor as a full-time father, it’s possible you’ll really feel extra burdened at instances, particularly in case your spouse would not earn a lot or would not work.
In consequence, you may regularly ask your self when you must return to work. You will do the maths concerning the price of daycare/preschool versus the price of not working in your profession.
The temptation to earn when you are nonetheless comparatively younger will doubtless overwhelm your want to stay a full-time father, so you’ll doubtless transition to part-time fatherhood as soon as your youngster turns three.
At three years outdated, it’s possible you’ll gleefully or reluctantly begin sending your child to preschool full-time. Should you solely have one youngster, you’ll then really feel a robust duty to return to work and earn once more, even when your spouse is working.
Nevertheless, in case you have a number of kids, you’ll naturally wish to provide the identical quantity of childcare as you probably did to your first youngster, if potential. Therefore, with two kids, it’s possible you’ll find yourself gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three kids, your full-time fatherhood position might prolong to 9 years.
After 9 years of being a full-time father, you should have a difficult time going back to work that pays you an identical wage to the one you left.
4) You’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient as a full-time father
Probably the most irritating issues about full-time fatherhood is that regardless of how a lot you do, you’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient. I am certain full-time moms really feel the identical means, as there’s an infinite quantity of offering to do.
For the primary two years of your kid’s life, it’s possible you’ll really feel like second fiddle to their mom. This can be true regardless of how a lot time you spend with them. There’s one thing about rising a baby in your womb for 9 months and birthing a baby that creates an unbreakable bond between mom and youngster.
You will really feel daggers in your coronary heart when your kids select to play with their mom over you. The extra time you spend along with your kids, the extra the rejection will hurt.
Fortunately, after our youngsters turned three-and-a-half, there was extra of a steadiness of affection. So for full-time fathers on the market who really feel unloved once in a while, maintain the religion that issues will get higher.
Your spouse or accomplice will not all the time really feel reduction or happiness
In your distinctive state of affairs as a full-time father, it’s possible you’ll usually really feel such as you’re doing greater than your fair proportion of childcare in comparison with different fathers. In consequence, you may anticipate your spouse or accomplice to really feel happier and fewer burdened than different moms.
Sadly, your spouse or accomplice will nonetheless really feel sad or burdened once in a while as a result of there are infinite childcare duties she additionally must deal with. If she additionally has a full-time job, her stress will persist because it’s onerous to not deliver work residence. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out since you hoped to alleviate her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Moreover, your spouse or accomplice might solely know what it is prefer to have a full-time father as a husband or accomplice and nothing else. Due to this fact, she might not recognize your efforts as a lot as you anticipate, resulting in mismatched expectations and potential battle.
Full-time fathers should decrease their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a responsibility that does not deserve particular recognition. In any case, they selected to be a father.
Extra importantly, full-time fathers might persistently overestimate how a lot they really do. This overestimation of care was my biggest blind spot as a father.
Regardless of being a stay-at-home dad, my spouse nonetheless does far more than I do. I’ve the posh of not having to deal with nights, which is a blessing as a result of our youngsters are horrible sleepers. Once I wish to nap after lunch, I can, as a result of my spouse is all the time residence. Moreover, we had the large assist of Silvia, our au pair, throughout the pandemic.
5) Witnessing your kid’s milestones will make your efforts really feel price it
At this level, you may suppose being a full-time father feels like an excessive amount of work. Fortunately, witnessing all of your kid’s improvement milestones is the best return of all.
You’ll witness all the things out of your child’s first babble to their first rollover. Wonderful! Then, round eight months outdated, you may be so proud when your youngster lastly sits up on their very own. At round ten months outdated, nothing will probably be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the primary time. After which, once they stand at across the one-year mark and begin cruising alongside the couch, you should have the largest proud dad second ever.
Every milestone you witness will erase all of your doubts about giving up your profession and earnings. After about ten periods of making an attempt to show my son how one can bike, listening to him scream with pleasure, “I can do it!” was priceless. The quantity of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was price greater than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Road.
Now think about throughout bedtime when your youngster, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I like you.” That is while you really feel full.
If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father, Strive It Out
Embracing the position of a full-time father comes with its fair proportion of challenges, however you may doubtless discover it a rewarding determination.
Sure, your loved ones will most likely have less money with one much less working accomplice. I gave up many earnings alternatives to remain at residence. On the identical time, I discovered methods to generate supplemental earnings via Monetary Samurai and my books. You’ll rationally discover a solution to earn on the aspect as effectively if you wish to.
For older dad and mom, changing into a full-time father can also be an effective way to make up for misplaced time. One in all my biggest regrets was having kids late. By spending extra time with them earlier than they go away the home, you possibly can compensate to your late begin.
Someday round ages 10-12, you may not be their superhero as they will favor to spend time with associates. Due to this fact, you could have about 10-12 years to be a full-time father earlier than this chance fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
Should you resolve throughout your journey that full-time fatherhood will not be for you, you possibly can all the time transition again to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to a few years is not too lengthy, contemplating that many workers return to graduate faculty for 2 years and sometimes come again with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset additionally gave me the braveness to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement did not go well with me or if I wanted the earnings, I might have simply discovered one other job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting alternatives, you possibly can regularly shift extra of your waking hours towards work and fewer towards childcare as your kids get older.
As an illustration, as soon as my daughter began attending preschool three days per week in fall 2023, I devoted extra time to writing for Monetary Samurai and finishing my second guide with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Sadly, you might be unlikely to really feel happier as a full-time father as a result of quantity of labor, stress, second-guessing, and persistence concerned! Nevertheless, as soon as your youngsters attend faculty full-time, you’ll really feel happy realizing you tried your greatest.
As well as, how cool it’s that your spouse can by no means criticize you for not being there for the youngsters or doing sufficient across the family for the remainder of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our kids will sooner or later go off on their very own, leaving us to ponder how shortly time flew by. Hopefully, sooner or later as adults, they will recognize their childhoods and on a regular basis we spent with them. When that day comes, you may understand all of your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Half-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I must fill the 40-hour void with extra productive work. Roughly 15 hours per week will probably be devoted to writing for Monetary Samurai, and 5 hours will probably be put aside for my sports activities hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours per week to generate energetic earnings.
This energetic earnings is essential to complement my passive investment income and canopy my shortfall in desired residing bills. It additionally serves to resume my sense of goal now that my fatherhood obligations have lessened.
Earlier this yr, I experimented with part-time consulting, however it did not work out as deliberate. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this expertise has offered me with beneficial insights into what to hunt as soon as I’ve extra free time.
To all the lads on the market aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don’t be concerned about societal judgments. Finally, observe your coronary heart and pursue what holds true that means for you. Your youngsters will develop up sooner than you recognize!
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there some other full-time fathers on the market? Should you’re at the moment a part-time father, have you ever ever thought of transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What’s holding you again?
How do you reconcile the truth that by the point you may wish to be a full-time father, your kids might already be at school full-time and extra focused on spending time with associates?
Do you suppose there’s a greater hybrid method for fathers to steadiness childcare and earnings era successfully?
Advice If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father
Should you’re trying to turn out to be a full-time father, attempt to get laid off with a severance bundle as a substitute of quitting your job. This manner, you may have a monetary runway to be a full-time father with out as a lot monetary nervousness.
My bestselling guide, How To Engineer Your Layoff, teaches you how one can break away from a job you not like with a severance bundle. Use the code “saveten” at checkout to avoid wasting $10.
To expedite your journey to monetary freedom, be part of over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Financial Samurai newsletter. Monetary Samurai is among the many largest independently-owned private finance web sites, established in 2009.
